The Father and His Wife: How the Father's Relationship With His Wife Brings Security to the Children!

Updated: May 26

The Father's relationship with His Wife Matters to his children

It cannot be denied that the father carries a heavy load on his shoulders. That's the way it is and the way it is designed to be. His broad shoulders are created to bear the load of the family unit: his wife and children. Why am I talking about the wife in a father's blog? Because there is a correlation between the father's relationship with his wife and the security of the children.

So, how does the father's relationship with his wife bring security to the children? Children are natural observers, and they closely watch their parents' relationships. As fathers, our relationship with our spouse is the front and center stage, and we build credibility with our children. Credibility is the quality of being convincing or believable. Children need to know that their father can be trusted. The evidence of their father's love for them must be demonstrated by his love for his spouse, and the children must "see" it. This living demonstration of love shows the children that his values meet his voice. If there is a contradiction between the values spoken and the values lived, the children will see it and question the security of their relationships. On the other hand, when children see their parents' love, they develop security and a level of unshakable trust.

For more on this, see my post, Reviving the Art of Romanticism.

This unspoken yet crucial aspect of fatherhood is too significant to overlook! Join me as we delve deeper into this topic and uncover its profound implications.

Fathers Bring Security: Through Trust

There is no question that our actions speak louder than our words. The father's actions directly impact the children's health and development. This includes the father's interactions with his wife. Look at this extended quote from the study: Conflict in marriage less harmful for kids when dad keeps it constructive:

"We found fathers who reported using more constructive conflict resolution -- like open communication and reaching compromise, as opposed to hitting, criticizing, or throwing things -- showed more involvement and warmth toward their kids, compared to their counterparts," she said. Not surprisingly, children benefited from these warmer interactions with their dads. "Fathers using constructive conflict resolution led to more parental involvement, which led to more positive child development," Kramer said. "Destructive conflict has the opposite effect on kids." In the end, Gong says parents shouldn't shy away from conflict. Instead, what's more important is to find constructive resolution strategies that minimize stress and maintain a father's ability to interact warmly with his children.

Did you read that? The relationship that the father has with the mother has a direct correlation to the children's health. This study is particular to conflict, but the authors note this at the end:

"If we could have more clinical or educational programs that teach parents how to openly communicate with each other, how to listen to each other, and maintain good relationships with family members, it might be effective in promoting healthier family and child development," Gong said. "It's also important to not only consider the amount of parenting, but the quality of parenting. Even if fathers have a lot of involvement, if their warmth is super low, that might not be beneficial for the child."

After the authors' study, they declared that more programs revolving around "spousal communication" would potentially be valuable in promoting healthier child development. It is not a far leap to say that the level of security seen in the father and mother's relationship communicates the level of security the children have.

The father plays a unique role in giving his children security. His love for his wife (the children's mother) exemplifies this role. In the conclusion of a study on the security in preschoolers by Healthwise, the authors said,

"Parents who are dependable, consistent, respectful, and responsive to their children help them to develop a sense of security. These qualities are especially important for parents of preschool children, because children at this age are gaining a basic sense of trust in themselves and in the significant people in their lives. This sense of trust lays the foundation for learning, social skills, adaptability, and emotional development. Secure children also maintain and strengthen their attachment to their parents."

The studies above link trust to security. Trust is gained through the development of relationships, such as those between father and mother and father and child. This trust allows the child to be secure, which in turn promotes healthy physical, emotional, and spiritual development.

Security and Behavior

Children express their insecurity in a variety of different ways: anxiety, anger, aggression, etc. These outbursts of character express a need for the parents (particularly fathers) to take control of the relationship. This may seem like an outlandish idea, but children need the security that the father figure gives for healthy, holistic development.

Jessica Duncan at Agape Counseling Associates, after writing about Maslow's Hierarchy of needs being a demonstration of the importance of security in a child's development, writes,

"But in the end, giving them the gift of safety and security through a controlled environment provides the assurance needed to be emotionally and psychologically healthy children so that they can be the happy children that you imagined they would always be."

Secure children are happier and better developed than those who lack security. Children are dealing with enough stress in trying to figure out who they are and what their place is in this big, vast world; the father must relieve some of this stress as he loves his wife well!

REAL Fathers Instruct Towards Maturity

Before we move forward, two definitions are important to consider: what a father is and what a man is.

A father is a man who lovingly invests in his children, instructing them towards maturity at every stage of life.
A man puts away childish things. Responsibly stewarding who and what he has been given in this life. One who is above reproach in all things, a one-woman man, temperate of emotions, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, gentle, an instructor of truth, not given over to the passions of the flesh, and who leads his family well.

You may be wondering why these two definitions are important here. For one, we must note that a REAL Father is, first and foremost, a REAL Man. Within the context of this post, a REAL Man is a one-woman man. The children need to know this! There is no woman but Mom for my father! This means one woman in affections, emotions, and the physical sense. A man is truly devoted to his woman, the children’s mother.

Secondly, a REAL Father instructs his children towards maturity at every stage of life. This post has demonstrated the reality of our love as fathers for our wives, which builds credibility in the eyes of the children, which gives them security. This security is necessary for their maturity, mastery over their emotions, and responsibility.

As fathers, we must create a culture of security in our homes so that our children have the freedom to grow and become emotionally healthy and mature for their age. This is a HUGE part of their developmental process. To accomplish this, they MUST know that their father truly loves their mother.

Five Ideas to Cultivate this Security

Couch Time: Set aside ten minutes every day when all the children are present to spend time with your wife. The children don’t need to be in the same room, but they do need to know that you are doing it. Also, it needs to be ten minutes of devoted time, meaning the children are not allowed to interrupt. Use it as a time to catch up on each other’s day while holding hands.
Reading Time: Get into a nightly reading routine with your spouse for fifteen to thirty minutes. After you tuck the children in bed, read something you both enjoy. If your family is anything like mine, your kids will come and see you sporadically, which will enforce their security and help foster growth with your spouse. This growth is an investment that pays off later, often when the children are around.
Weekly In-House Date Night: Who says you need to go out for a date night? Stay in, do something out of the ordinary, and most importantly, laugh! When we prioritize date nights, the children see that their parents are investing in one another, which produces more security.
Flirtation: This seems to be a lost art after the first child is born. Don't let it die! Fathers, flirt with your wife: kiss her, dance with her, touch her, and sing songs to her! All these things are perfectly appropriate to do in front of the children. In truth, they need to be done in front of the children! When the children see affection properly expressed, they may laugh and giggle, but inwardly, it tells them everything will be okay!
Family Walk: Take walks as a family, but when doing so, be sure to walk with your spouse holding her hand at times. Let the children observe the unity you have with your spouse in public.

I hope these five ideas to cultivate security in your children as fathers demonstrate love for their wife is helpful. Don't just leave them on paper; try implementing at least one. Stay consistent, and watch how your children become healthier in their emotional development over time.

Conclusion

There is a Father Factor in the health of our children. Studies consistently show that a primary father has a healthy impact on the child's life and development. Fathers have a crucial role in how their children relate to the world. Sons will act like their fathers, and daughters will look to marry someone like their father. How far are you currently in your journey as a father from being the one you want your sons to emulate and your daughters to marry? That's a big question with enormous consequences! How much will your current state of fatherhood cost your family in the long run?

TRAVISDEAN-MAXEY