I hear it often, with good intent: " Any man can be a father, but it's hard to be a dad." The intent is to communicate that "fathering," or the act of bringing a child into the world, is different from raising that child. Yes, they are two completely different tasks! One is, in fact, very enjoyable. The other is quite difficult and costly. Yet, is it right to make a distinction, or do we just have the wrong idea of what a father is?
So, what is the definition of a father? A father is a man who lovingly invests in his children, instructing them toward maturity at every stage of life. The modern word 'Dad' didn't exist until around 1500, and most speculate that it derived from baby talk—dadada. Before this, the common word used to describe the one who helped birth and raise children was 'Father.' The modern adoption of 'dad' is simply a child's expression of 'father.' Perhaps we have also adopted the child's definition of 'dad' as one who feeds and plays with me. This is a part of the role of a father, but it is far too simplistic. A father is a man who lovingly invests in his children, instructing them toward maturity at every stage of life.
This topic is of the utmost importance and is too significant to be confined to one paragraph. Let's delve deeper into it and critically examine the given definition.
What is a Father?
A Man
A father is a man. He is NOT a boy in a man's body. I fear this is the state of most 'males' today, boys in men's bodies. I have often heard women say they wish they could find a 'man' to marry. They are communicating that just because something looks like a man, has the voice of a man, and has the strength of a man doesn't mean it is a man. This may seem harsh, but it is true.
Age alone doesn't determine when a boy turns into a man; it certainly has implications, but character is the most significant measure of a man. It is not whether he looks like a man but whether he acts like a man. To answer this definitively, the word 'man' must be defined. Yet, I have found that defining what a man is is more difficult than it seems.
It seems that maleness comes down to responsibility and maturity. A biological boy becomes a biological man over time; his body matures, and he begins to take on the physical traits of a man. With this maturity comes responsibility. Responsibility to use his maleness correctly. When you see "men" who beat women, the comment that usually follows is, "That's not a real man." This comes from the understanding that real men exercise their physical strength responsibly.
Richard Phillips in his book The Masculinity Mandate, says of men,
“Our calling in life really is this simple (although not therefore easy): We are to devote ourselves to working/building and keeping/protecting everything placed into our charge.”
To me, this is a good summation of manhood from both a Christian and non-Chirsitan worldview. Men are males who grow into maturity of body and character, responsibly exercising stewardship over everything placed in their charge. I must note that this is a continual process. Meaning there should be no end to our growth and maturing. We should be those who continually strive for excellence in all things under our care: our body, mind, soul, wife, children, job, friendships, job, home, etc.
I encourage you to develop your own personal definition of a man. The definition I have come up with is what I strive for myself and what I teach to my children. It is largely taken from what the Bible defines as an elder or a mature man. This is my definition, which includes maturity and responsibility, as should yours:
A man puts away childish things. Responsibly stewarding who and what he has been given in this life. One who is above reproach in all things, a one-woman man, temperate of emotions, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, gentle, an instructor of truth, not given over to passions of the flesh, and who leads his family well.
To be a father in the most total sense, you must first be a man. My testimony demonstrates this problem. I married young and had children early, and I didn't know what it meant to be a man. My father never instructed me in this because his father didn't instruct him. What they learned about being a man was to protect and provide financial means. This is the vicious cycle that must be broken! Just because most of us didn't have fathers who taught us to be men doesn't mean we have the excuse to learn and then instruct our children.
The sobering reality was that I needed to grow up quickly or lose everything! Thankfully, I did; I grew up with Jesus being my guide and teacher. But it was a painful process, and one that I hope to prevent my children (particularly my boys) from having to experience. I learned to be a man; now that I know how to be a man, I can instruct my children. My boys are being instructed in what it means to be a man, and my girls are being instructed towards what their future husbands should look like. It is a beautiful picture, one that I hope you will strive to emulate.
Who Lovingly
A father loves. Years ago, before I hung up with my wife on the phone, I said, "Hunnay! I really like you!" With a tone of sight offense, she said, "What?" I said, "Well, I have to love you, but I don't have to like you!" I meant that as my wife, I am always to love her; this is a part of the covenant that I made with her, "in sickness and in health," but my vows didn't express anything about affection (that must be a bonus).
Today, our understanding of love is centered around the affections of one person toward another. That isn't what I mean when I say love. Love is the selfless, wholehearted giving of oneself to others for their benefit. Love is a choice that is always accompanied by an emotion (either positive or negative) followed by the willingness to lay down our wants for the wants/needs of others. This is love.
A father acts lovingly towards his children. This means that he acts in a way that benefits them, not just himself. A father is selfless, NOT selfish. Their needs come before his as he demonstrates their value through his love.
Notice, I nowhere said that he makes them 'feel loved.' This is one of the hindrances of the culture. A culture that says, "Your child should determine what he/she/whatever else wants, and they should feel loved in the process." This is hogwash. A father makes a child feel valuable, safe, comfortable, enjoyed, etc. But love as a feeling isn't real. Our love, which often needs to be directed towards instruction, discipline, and chastisement, is not enjoyable, but it is love.
My love that says I want my child to be mature in this stage of life. Thus, I must instruct, discipline, and chastise. I need to guide them to this so that they ultimately become mature men and women at a very young age. This is NOT an excuse for bullying children into your will. They must know that you care and value them deeply, and every negative moment should be met with ten positive moments. A father lovingly invests in his children.
Invests in his children
The common misnomer is that a father has the child, but a dad raises the child, which leads to wrong thinking. The thought of a dad is often, "He is a great dad because he plays with his children." This may be an overgeneralization, but I think it's true. People view the dad's quality through the time spent playing with the child.
Now, I play with my children. God's design is amazing! Science has proven that when a man plays with his children, his brain releases oxytocin, dopamine, and beta-endorphins, strengthening the father-child bond. I will say, play more, to strengthen more, to instruct more.
A father invests in his children. This does mean a father plays with his children, but it is not confined to play; it should move towards instruction. To invest is to provide someone with a particular quality or attribute. As fathers, our time spent with our children should be purposeful, moving them from where they are to where they need to be. What character qualities does your family value?
Our family values the character of Jesus Christ. Thus, I want to see my children move from where they are to look more like Him. This may not be what your family values (though Jesus is the image of the perfect man), but there are specific character traits that you value. Investing in your children moves them towards those qualities as they are provided with particular qualities or attributes.
Instructing them towards
Investing in our children is the intentional time spent with them to achieve a specific outcome; how we invest is through instruction. When intentional time is spent with our children, we have the opportunity to instruct them toward a specific goal. Instruction is the deliberate stimulation of learning towards a specific end goal.
Meaning that we want our children to have the same value system that we have as parents. This happens through instruction as we intentionally explain through situations how we act and WHY we act this way. It is not enough to impart how we act. This produces a child who acts a certain way but doesn't know why they act this way. We need the children to understand WHY they should act this way for lasting change.
Instruction is the boat that delivers the WHY. A father consistently instructs how the child needs to act and why the child needs to act this way. Now, the level of instruction differs according to the stage of life the child is in—baby, toddler, child, teenager, and adult. But the act of instruction should be there—instruction that seeks to move the child to maturity at their current stage of life.
Maturity at every stage of life
I have often heard it said of all my children, "He/She is very mature for their age." They are communicating that there is a standard for how children should act according to their specific age. In my opinion, the bar is far too low. Regarding character, maturity is defined as being personally responsible and emotionally balanced.
A mature child is responsible and can do what is required regardless of how they feel about it. Maturity means mastering our emotions and not allowing them to dictate our actions. Now, the child's age has much to do with what is required of them. I will not give a toddler the job of doing the dishes after every meal. That is more for a child who is eight to twelve. You get the picture.
I am all for giving the children responsibility at a very early age. I am tempted to say, "As much responsibility as they can handle," but I think this will be misapplied. When I say it, I mean something like I will give the children responsibility that stretches their emotional and physical capacity so that they can grow in physical and emotional maturity to take on more responsibility. I don't mean allow them to tell you what they can or can't handle. When we intentionally give responsibility and diligent instruction, children eventually mature into responsible adults who can benefit society.
For more on the father's role in the family: Click Here.
Conclusion - What is the definition of a Father?
It is clear that today, we live in a culture full of immature children in adult bodies (for an understanding of the impact of a father on the child's life and development, Click Here). Most people won't like this description of the world, maybe because it is a description of themselves or perhaps their children. Let me position this differently: if you went to a doctor with cancer-like symptoms and he evaluated them and knew them to be cancer, but he smiled at you and said everything would be okay, you'd be angry and call the doctor immoral. Why is it right for the doctor to speak the truth in this case but not others?
If the symptoms point to a problem, call it what it is and address it. We are dealing with a fatherless culture void of fathers who lovingly invest in their children, instructing them toward maturity at every stage of life. The solution is first to become maturing men who then father their children.
How far are you currently in your journey as a father from being a REAL Man who is a REAL Father? That's a big question with enormous consequences! How much will your current state of fatherhood cost your family in the long run?
Related Questions
What is the true definition of a dad? There isn't a true definition of a dad that exists outside the definition of a father. Dad is a word that came into existence in 1500 to make it easier for babies to call their father something. Thus, the true definition of a dad is the same as a father: A father is a man who lovingly invests in his children, instructing them toward maturity at every stage of life.
What is the definition of a REAL father? What is being asked here is: is a father more than one who takes part in the making of a child? Yes! A father partakes in growing a child physically, emotionally, and spiritually. A father is a man who lovingly invests in his children, instructing them toward maturity at every stage of life.
What does being a dad really mean? Being a dad means that someone is a real father. A father is a man who lovingly invests in his children, instructing them toward maturity at every stage of life. When they ask this question, people mean how a dad should raise his children. I answer this in the same way as a father.
What defines you as a father? Our children define us as fathers. To be a father, you need children; this is not restricted to biological. Yet, the children's character in their maturity at their life stages defines our quality as fathers. A good father is one whose children are considered 'mature for their age.' A derelict or bad father is one whose children are a nuisance to the world.
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