Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don't compare apples to oranges." It means that no two people are alike, and it is insensible to compare them. Yet, as if we have to prove something, we will often keep a scorecard judging our children to our other children or others. This is a harmful practice for the father and the children as it attempts to press them into a mold that is not theirs.
So, why is comparing your children to others harmful? Children desire to please their fathers, vying for his attention at every corner. When comparing that child to others, whether siblings, friends, or strangers, the child will naturally attempt to act like that child. Why? Because they want to please you? What's wrong with them acting like another? The problem with acting like another is that they are not them, and in this process, children have an identity crisis. This crisis manifests itself in harmful ways (to the child and the family): low self-esteem, stress, resentment, and unhealthy competition. This leads the children to act out and receive attention for being themselves and not being someone else.
Let's learn more about why comparing your children to others is harmful and what we should do instead.
Comparing Your Children to Others is Harmful
When a person's sense of identity and purpose is destabilized, the individual has an identity crisis or a period of uncertainty and confusion. This is a natural part of life and happens more often than people think. Things like physical conditions, people's opinions, job changes, education shifts, marriage, and having children can produce an identity crisis. The problem is not the crisis itself. It is that you don't want to be the cause of the crisis. You want to help with the solution.
When the father is the cause of the identity crisis, there is really no healthy way for the child to come out the other side unscathed. There will be damage to the child's development and health as they are not given the freedom and security to figure out who they are and how they fit into this world. Just imagine that you are trying to figure out how you fit into a new job, and your boss keeps telling you that you aren't good enough because you aren't like Steve.
What a terrible feeling that will at first cause you to try and do what Steve does and how Steve does it. Your boss may notice and start to praise you for your work. However, the problem is that you cannot sustain the activity because you are not Steve. So, eventually, you begin to resent your boss and Steve and resign to failure, saying, "Well, if I can't be Steve, then I must be terrible, and I will act that way because that is who I am."
Do you see it? We do this to our children when we compare them to others. We eventually crush the child and cause persistent negative behavior because they can't be who you want them to be. Resigning to a life of destructive behavior at least gets them attention for being them, which is what they wanted in the first place: attention for who they are, NOT what they are capable of doing.
Eventually, if this persists, the child will no longer care if they are pleasing to you. Why? Because you lost their heart, they will seek to give their heart to "anyone" who gives them any positive attention. As a father, you don't want this! You want to keep their heart, which is the seat of their emotions and desires. You want them to want to please you because you care about who they are as individuals. The one with the heart controls the actions, and you want to influence the child's actions.
What Should I Do to Keep My Child's Heart?
Just as you cannot change an apple into an orange and vice versa, you cannot change one child into another. It is impossible. You can change character, but that character will always be expressed according to the individual's uniqueness. You can (and should) teach kindness, love, hard work, etc. But those things are not molds in themselves. They are pathways that guide us through life, but our walk remains ours and not someone else's.
It's like this: we teach character and values that guide our choices in life, but we don't restrict how we express those character and values. The expression will always be different. Why? Because an apple isn't an orange. They are both fruits and when consumed correctly, they give us the proper nutrients and energy we need.
Allow your child to be your child, but guide them to be better. Give them the tools they need to make wise and mature decisions in every situation and at every stage of maturity. Don't allow other children to be their models; you, as the father, become the model. This means you need to develop the character and value of someone you want your children to emulate. Be okay with your children's unique expressions of kindness as long as kindness is expressed.
Instead of saying things like, "Why can't you be more like..." Say, "I know you can be more kind, loving, caring, selfless, wise..." When you shift the way you say something, it has the potential to change the outcome. "Why can't you be more like..." are words that produce death in the child. Death is separation; for each of these phrases, you are separating their heart from you.
When you emphasize character and values, you are using words of life. These words bring the child's heart closer to you. Remember that children naturally want to please their parents, so don't crush them by trying to press them into another mold; rather, give them a mold of their own to become. We do this by encouraging them to represent the character we value in their own way.
Conclusion
Having the heart of your children is more important than you know. Just as the physical heart is the body's life, the inner heart is the individual's life. Parents naturally have their children's hearts at the early stages of their children's lives. The problem is keeping their hearts. When you, as the father, are the one the child wants to please, you can have a very positive influence on the outcome of the child. Yet, when you lose the heart, your children will care less about pleasing you.
Where are you as a father with your children? How much is your current way of parenting harming your child? These are important questions to address head-on and seek help with. The answer will affect the outcome of your child's life. Is it worth leaving this to chance?
Related Questions
Why shouldn't you compare your child to others? Because it's harmful! Children desire to please their fathers, vying for his attention at every corner. When comparing that child to others, whether siblings, friends, or strangers, the child will naturally attempt to act like that child. Why? Because they want to please you? What's wrong with them acting like another? The problem with acting like another is that they are not them, and in this process, children have an identity crisis. This crisis manifests itself in harmful ways (to the child and the family): low self-esteem, stress, resentment, and unhealthy competition. This leads the children to act out and receive attention for being themselves and not being someone else.
Is comparing your child toxic? Comparing your child to others is toxic. It chokes the life force out of the child. This toxicity manifests itself in harmful ways (to the child and the family): low self-esteem, stress, resentment, and unhealthy competition. This leads the children to act out and receive attention for being themselves and not being someone else.
What happens if parents keep comparing their children to others? When you keep comparing your children to others, you will eventually lose that child. The child may be present physically, but they have left you emotionally. They will no longer care what you think, so you will no longer be able to influence their actions. Eventually, they will leave the house, and you may never see them again; if you do, you won't influence their lifestyle.
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